| i haven't updated in awhile. this is a pretty "emo" entry. don't read unless you wanna hear me complain, whine... etc.
These days have been truly the hardest days of my life. In the 19 years that i've been on this earth, i haven't ever felt this horrible ever. Not even when my brother sent me to the hospital. That was nothing.... Even though i was with him just a little over a year, i always felt deep in my heart that he was the one i was going to be with for a long long time. And as most of yall know, our break up was pretty dramatic. My life has always been dramatic since the day i was born, but this was to the extreme. I admit i'm a stubborn person, and it takes a lot for me to swallow my pride and apologize for mistakes i know i made. I've always been like that, and people who've been in dramatic situations with me would know this. I know i say some horrible things when im upset, and trust me, they are. When i first met Mark, we were so much alike in all those ways. At the time i thought it must be fate. We had so much in common it was crazy. As the months went by, we were happy as can be, and he was the first guy i could even picture myself with in the long run. I fell head over heels and he made me feel so good, like how they do in the movies. We were happy for awhile... but it just fell apart. Maybe it was the fact that he wanted to settle down and get married. But hell, i'm 19, marriage just isn't an option for me. But i mean he's 22, that's still young too. i wanted to be sure we wouldn't fall apart, which is why i told him i didn't want to take that risk and get married. Then at my birthday, it was the worst night of my life.. It hurt me that he would ask me to marry him in front of so many people, even after i told him i didn't want to get married right now. I really loved him, and i still do, so i didn't want to embarrass him in front of all of our friends. That night was horrible. Like i said, i say some pretty horrible things when i get angry, and that night i was extremely angry. and... mark, i didn't mean to say all those things.. they just came out of my mouth without me thinking about it. I don't know why i'm blabbing.. i should stop. except 1 thing.
mark_ When i told you i hated you, i knew right then what a true lie felt like, because baby no matter what, no matter who you're with, i'll always love you. I just want you to be happy. I know its corny, and i told myself i never wanted to say that shyt but i really mean it. I know i need to move on, but sometimes at night, when everyone else is sleeping peacefully, my hearts dying and i hope to myself that you'd come by and wipe away my tears. As you can see, i'm not "happy" like people are telling you. You know how i am, i tried fronting but in the end, i realized how much i need you. I don't know what to do without you babe. I've never begged a guy to come back to me ever in my whole life. But i don't want to live the rest of my life wondering if i would have been happier with you by my side. Call me okay babe? i love you. |
